SHEILA’S TESTIMONY
I grew up in the suburbs in a two parent house like most kids in the seventies. When I was around 10, my friend, brother and I used to ride the Sunday school bus to church most Sundays. My parents were usually still in bed by the time we left but, always made sure we had the plan to go Sunday School in the morning, before going to bed that night. They believed in God but, we rarely went to church as a family. We usually went like most everybody else, Easter and when the grand parents would come for their annual visit.
I had a very normal childhood and would encounter the occasional perverted man that would come along. I never really knew what to do when they would come around. I just remember always feeling "anxious and nervous" being careful that I would not end up alone with one of them. I could spot a pervert from a mile away! I could never tell my parents. Not that I feared them, I just couldn’t talk about that kinda thing with them. So, I endured like a lot of young girls my age, (as I learned later in life).
Around age 15, I started to have feelings for my friend of the same sex. We would have sleep overs and I would lay their thinking how I wanted to put my arm around her and snuggle up. I had such a hard time fighting that desire. I remember feeling "safe and secure" around her. I wouldn't get that sick feeling I had when the perverts came around. I could just relax and be myself with her. I really believe that real attraction was feeling safe and secure but, I got it confused. After the relationship continued with her, I felt guilty and dirty wondering what God thought about it. The guilt and shame just continued to eat at me and became so intense, I decided to go back to the church I attended when I was a kid and speak with the Pastor.
It took all I had to go up to him after the service was over. I didn't really even know him even though I had gone to the church since I was a kid. I swallowed hard and took a step toward him, people all around also wanted his attention. My stomach churned. I could feel the burning in my stomach going up to my throat. When I got up to him, I stood there silently waiting for him to get finished talking with this one and that one. Finally, we made eye contact. "I thought, this is it". I took a breath and said, "can we talk?” "Sure," he said and I followed him to his office.
The walk seemed long as we made our way down one hall to another hall making small talk walking to his little office. He asked me sit and pointed to a hard chair across from him as he sat at a desk. I felt like a school girl in the principal’s office. He said "What can I do for you?" "Oh crap," I thought, "here we go." "Well," I gulped "I wondered what you thought um, what God might think um, of two girls having a relationship?" Good God! I got it out!
There was silence. Long awkward silence that seemed to last an eternity. I could hear the clock ticking as I was looking around trying to look interested in what he had on the wall as I waited for his response. I think it made him nervous. He never really gave me a straight answer. The answers were so lame that I left there more confused than when I went in. I was frustrated about not getting a helpful answer. I kept going to the church for a little while longer but I eventually stopped going because I found no reason to stop my lifestyle.
My relationship with my friend grew and so did my guilt. I couldn't understand why I felt guilty because I felt so comfortable and loved her so much that it didn't make any sense to feel guilty. It’s not like I was jumping from 1 relationship to the next. However, in the back of my mind, I felt God didn't approve and it bothered me.
I found verses in Romans 8. It talked about Back biters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents.....I thought, none of this applies to me. Surely I am not what it says! And I kept in my sin.
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I asked my homosexual friends what they thought God thought of what we were doing. They were as lost as I was saying, "those scriptures are for people who hate God and do bad things like steal and kill."
We wanted to believe the scripture was meant for other people & not us!! I was not a thief or killer and I was a "good person" so I was not going to go to hell.
Even though I knew I was a good person and not a "back biter or an inventor of an evil thing," according to the Bible, I still felt guilty inside. At age 28, I had been listening to "a pretty well-known teacher of the bible" on the radio on my 30 minute commute to work. For a few months, I felt led to get back into church. I did not have a church but, I found one...it happened to be the same church & pastor that was on the radio!
“Finally," I thought I'm going to find the answers I have been looking for! After all, why did I still have guilt when I wasn't a back biter or a God hater? I brought my girlfriend with me & together we would find the answer.
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We went, and went again we went again and again...........finally, I got the nerve to talk to the pastor......1500 person congregation....I pushed my way through to him and told him we needed some help with a problem I had and could we make a time to talk..... Busy guy....radio, tv...he pointed me to a woman across the room of about 800 people and told me to go talk to her & hurried out.
Well, I turned and looked, the women he pointed to was talking with people...We made our way up to her and waited. There were lots of people around so when it came our turn, I whispered, "we need some answers to some questions we have about...um sexual sin". She quickly said, "we have some pamphlets on the wall & pointed to a wall across the room, I think maybe that will help you" she said and turned back to another conversation.
We walked over to the wall....and I thought why is everyone so busy? We are needing answers & guidance!! So, we walked out and I continued in my sin.
Right before age 30, I had a grandmal seizure clearly out of the blue. Looking back on that, I saw that God was trying to get my attention....That was not enough, I continued in my sin.
At age 33, my secretary approached me and said that she had a cousin that was pregnant and it was too late for abortion and asked me if I would be interested in adopting her baby. I excitedly said yes and met the woman at the doctor’s office for the sonogram in her 7 month. We talked; she liked me and gave me the sonogram picture and said here is your son. I cried. I always wanted a child but obviously could not have a child in this lifestyle.
Ryan was born on Easter Sunday..... I cut his umbilical cord and held him in my arms seconds old. It was the happiest moment I had ever experienced. Not for one minute did I think my lifestyle would mess him up I was so far in denial.
Sue and I raised him for 3 years. Ryan called her mommy Suzie and everything seemed so wonderful. Then Sue and I started to have problems, BIG PROBLEMS. Looking back, I know now that God sent the problems just like he sent the seizures. We ended up breaking up.
There I was, alone for the first time in my life with my 3 year old child. The last thing I wanted to do was find another partner but, I was so scared to be alone and raise Ryan by myself. Who was I?? I couldn't do this! I needed help!
A few months went by and I started to listen to Christian radio again on my way to work and back. Then I started reading the Bible every week or so and got excited to hear Charles Stanley a pretty well-known teacher of the bible! One day in June 2001, I heard a teaching on How To Handle Your Emotions. What a powerful teaching it was. After every tapes end, he invited his listeners to accept Jesus.
I accepted Jesus 12 times. I felt God starting to move in my heart, I got on my knees and started to pray and cry. I cried out “GOD HELP ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" It was then that I felt Gods presence around me & an indescribable peace came over me. It was the most wonderful feeling! I knew God was there with me.
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I prayed for God to help me see the truth and I turned to that very same scripture in Romans that I have read over and over and over all my life................Romans 1 I asked God to show me plainly and clearly and give me wisdom. I read. It was so clear to me! It was like a huge dark cloud was lifted from my eyes. I saw clearly for the first time in my life without a shadow of a doubt ... I knew If I continued in this sin, I was going to hell in a rocket.
Just like the song "Amazing Grace"... "Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I’m found was blind but now I see”!! It was so incredible! And I finally I knew the truth.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this was easy. I had been gay for all of my adult life and started at age 15!
We want people to understand that gay people are human too, they are simply lost. I did not wake up one day and say gee, I think I’d like to hurt my parents deeply not to mention the rest of my family, not be able to have children. I didn't say to myself, I think I want to be an outcast, hide my feelings from public, have people look down on me, possibly lose my business if people found out about me, scrambling to try and remember which lie I told last.
I made it ok in my head just like most people for years. I asked a few friends of mine before I was saved , "if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would go to hell for living this lifestyle would you continue?" Every single one of them said no. But none of us knew what to do next.
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My childhood was probably a lot like yours: school, sports, siblings who teased me. You could definitely say that I was a tomboy – I guess I still am! I loved sports, playing outside and wrestling with my older brothers.
I liked boys in high school, but I always felt different. That’s it; just different. I grew up in a Christian home with very loving parents, so I couldn’t figure out what was different about me. I enjoyed church and tried to be involved with the youth group. However, the more involved I tried to be, the more different I felt. I didn’t know how to cope, so I began to drink. Sometimes, I was drunk when I went to church activities. I just wanted others to accept me, but I couldn’t figure out who I was.
By the time I graduated from high school, I just wanted to get out of the small Wisconsin town I grew up in and make a fresh start. My older sister lived in California, so I decided to move out there. It wasn’t long until I joined a softball team which was the first time I met women who were in homosexual relationships. I was kind of surprised when I figured out that they were gay, but I was curious to know more, after all, these were the first people who really accepted me.
When I was 22, I had my first homosexual relationship. I felt like I could finally be myself around someone, but that relationship caused me to alienate myself from my family. I knew my Christian parents and siblings wouldn’t understand, so I withdrew from them and found a new family in the homosexual community. I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my relationships, but my family began to figure out that my roommate might be more than just a friend. After five years of living the homosexual lifestyle, my niece asked me about it. If it was anyone else, I would have lied, but I felt like she could handle the truth. I quickly regretted being honest with her because she ran away from me (literally) and told my entire family what I had said. I wasn’t ready to be “outed” to my family, nor was I prepared to handle their reaction. My sister said that the devil was in me and my brother took the news very personally, telling me that I had offended him with my decisions. At my parents prompting, he immediately flew out to California to convince me to move home or at least get me some help. I didn’t want help, and I can honestly say that their reactions did more harm than good. If they were professing to be Christians, why weren’t they acting Christ-like? I needed their love, but their judgmental attitudes and condescending words pushed me away. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Christians or God after that.
I lived the homosexual lifestyle for several more years without feeling convicted. One woman that I lived with decided that we should go to church. I can’t explain why, but I was open to the idea and actually enjoyed the Non-denominational church we started going to. The church didn’t touch the subject of homosexuality, so we were very comfortable there. We started reading our Bible together and praying. Eventually, we broke up, but not because of conviction – our relationship had just come to an end.
I suppressed the feelings of conviction and tried to continue my lifestyle. I was not a Christian, nor did I want to be. I knew that if I became a Christian God would want to change me and I wasn’t ready for that. One day, I felt the Lord tell me that if I didn’t change my lifestyle I would go to hell. I knew God wanted me to move from California back to Minnesota. After about seven months, I accepted Jesus as my savior & became born again!! After I gave my life to the Lord, God began to set me free from homosexuality.
There have been temptations and stumbles along the way. I fell into sexual sin again about five years after becoming saved. After a short time, I felt the Lord’s conviction and I began to cry out for help. I was too afraid to reach out to anyone for help. I had also convinced myself that God wouldn’t give me another chance so I felt completely helpless and devastated. Even though I was sure that He would reject me, I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to change me. That was truly the worst part of the battle.
It has been four years since that last battle. The Lord has set free from the sin that took over my life. He has also restored my relationship with my family, and helped me to understand the unconditional love that my parents consistently gave me. I know there are people sitting in churches everywhere who are struggling with this issue, but the Church as a whole is not dealing with it. It is my passion to see more churches begin to openly deal with this very real and devastating issue. Our God is a mighty deliverer; He will set us free from bondage and bring hope to the darkest of situations.
CINDY MCCORMICKS TESTIMONY
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I was born to parents who were no more than kids themselves. At the time of my birth, my mother was 15 and my father was 16. As you can probably guess, I was a “mistake”, never meant to be.
After trying to make a go of it, my parents finally divorced. I was 5 at the time. As far as I know I had a normal childhood up to that point. I did spend a lot of time with my grandparents, because my parents were so young.
I can’t really pinpoint when it happened, but sometime around 5 or 6 years old I realized I was attracted to girls my age. At the time, homosexuality was pretty much unheard of, but somehow I knew I shouldn’t say anything to anyone about it.
Because of my attraction to girls at such a young age, really as long as I could remember, I came to the conclusion that I was born gay.
Growing up I always felt I was different from the other kids. I remember being extremely conscious of my physical interactions with girlfriends. I didn’t want to do something that would “give my homosexuality away”. It seemed as though I was always viewing and analyzing myself from a perspective outside of myself.
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, there were many crushes on girls my age and occasionally I would have a boyfriend.
While growing up my parents never attended church. I would occasionally attend church with my father’s parents. Although my grandparents would attend Sunday services, I never really saw them acting like Christians at home. Their church attendance seemed to be much more about “duty” than actually living a Christian life and having any type of a relationship with God.
By the time I started college; more people were “coming out of the closet” and I attended and marched in my first Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco. From that point on I lived as a lesbian with several different relationships, the longest one lasting thirteen years.
During my 20’s and 30’s I competed in the gay rodeo circuit and was the top cowgirl on the circuit for many years. Unbeknownst to me I was inducted into the International Gay Rodeo Association’s Hall of Fame in 2014.
I can’t say I really thought that much about God while I was growing up. I believed there was a God and by the reactions of the Christian demonstrators at different gay events I attended, I was aware that God didn’t much approve of my lifestyle. From reading the demonstrator’s signs, I knew for some reason they thought I was going to hell for my lifestyle. What I really couldn’t grasp, is, if I was born gay and God had made me that way, why would He want to send me to hell?
For as long as I can recall I felt as though I had a hole or emptiness in my soul. I tried to fill it with relationships, achievements, possessions and alcohol, but nothing worked. Little did I know, that God was the only one capable of filling that hole in my soul.
When I was 45 or 46, I was in Texas for a week attending a class. One evening, while surfing TV channels, I came across a Joyce Meyer program. I had never before enjoyed watching preachers on TV, but there was something about the way she preached that caught my attention. I don’t recall ever seeing a woman preach prior to that time. I was impressed with her strength, honesty and testimony. I didn’t know it at the time, but I believe God was starting to “knock on my door” calling me to him.
When I returned home, I occasionally watched Joyce Meyer on TV.
At 48 years old, I found myself once again involved in a dysfunctional relationship with a woman which was coming to an end. Around the same time, a straight friend of mine had given me a copy of the “Left Behind” book series and I began reading them.
It was the first time I had ever heard of the rapture and what was going to take place during the tribulation. Actually, I was horrified by the description of the events which were to come.
Because my homosexual relationship was coming to an end and my concern over the end time events in the Left Behind series, I thought that it might be a good time to take a closer look at this thing called Christianity.
I remember going to a Christian bookstore and telling the clerk behind the counter that I wanted a Bible I could understand, written in plain English. I didn’t want to be reading any thee, ye or thou. I have no idea what she thought of me, but she showed me a copy of the New Living Translation Bible.
At the time I was living on a ranch, and a straight couple lived on the ranch across the street from mine. My ex and I had befriended them and had invited them to our house for our annual Christmas party. The wife was a Christian and unknown to me, she had been requesting prayers for salvation for my ex and I, at a Bible study she attended.
I starting reading my new Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. I now saw why the Christian demonstrators at the gay events I had attended, held signs up indicating I was going to hell for my homosexual lifestyle.
Eight months after my relationship ended with my ex, I decided to attend church. The only thing was, I wanted to go to a church where I could wear my jeans and cowboy boots and I wouldn’t feel out of place. I had driven by churches in the past and had seen the congregation leaving the church with the men wearing suits and the women wearing dresses.
My neighbor, who had been praying for my salvation, told me about a cowboy church, which had just opened in the town where I lived. The church was still so new it was meeting at the local Vet’s Hall.
Looking back on it now, I can see how God had everything planned out. He had his hands around my shoulders and was gently guiding me to him.
I found the courage to attend the cowboy church one Sunday. I remember being apprehensive about walking through the doors, but I had made up my mind I was going to church, so I walked through the doors with my new Bible in hand. Once I was inside I found a seat towards the back of the building.
The congregation was so small everyone noticed someone new in the church. Several people came up to me and introduced themselves. Then the Pastor’s wife walked over to me and introduced herself. I told her who my neighbor was and that my neighbor had referred me to the church. The Pastor’s wife said she thought my neighbor was out of town for the weekend and wouldn’t be attending church that day. Then the Pastor’s wife took a seat right beside me and stayed there the entire service. That one act, meant a lot to me and made me feel welcomed.
I started attending weekly services and within a short time I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
My problem was, I was still living on the ranch with my ex, in separate bedrooms, because the real estate market had just crashed we had not been able to sell the ranch and go our separate ways. I felt ashamed of my past and my current living situation.
I felt like I had to hide my past from everyone. Whenever I got up the nerve to tell someone about my past, I was always apprehensive because I never knew how someone would take it.
After I was saved, the next step in my Christian walk was to be baptized.
I was scheduled to meet with the Pastor and his wife, one day for lunch, to discuss my baptism. However on the day of the meeting, there had been an accident, the road had been closed and the Pastor’s wife could not make it into town to attend the meeting. I was relieved when I found out I would only be meeting with the Pastor, because I had planned on telling him about my past lifestyle and reasoned to myself, I was going to be rejected, it would be a lot easier being rejected by one person instead of two.
Sometime during lunch I got up the nerve to tell him about my past and ask if it was still possible for me to be baptized. (Looking back I guess that he already knew about my past from my neighbor’s prayer request at the Bible study, however at the time I didn’t know that.) He asked me how long I had been out of a relationship with a woman and I told him it had been 8 months and I was never going back to a homosexual lifestyle. He told me I could be baptized.
I’m very fortunate that God had led me to a church where the Pastor and his wife had been so kind to me, I never felt judged or condemned by them.
One month later I was baptized in the river at the Pastor’s ranch. I was on my way to my new life.
After attending church, receiving salvation and being baptized, I knew in my heart I would never return to my former homosexual lifestyle. I also didn’t have any desire to be in a homosexual relationship. However, what puzzled me was I noticed that I was still occasionally experiencing same sex attractions (SSA). I just keep thinking to myself, I was experiencing the attractions because I was born gay. I really couldn’t understand how God had made me that way, after all I had read in the Bible, but I had no other explanation for the SSA.
I even questioned my salvation, thinking that if I had really been saved I would have been delivered from the SSA. I prayed to God and asked him to deliver me from SSA, however, I still experienced them. I searched the internet and found resources and counseling groups for homosexual men, but I couldn’t find any resources for lesbians.
I felt ashamed of the SSA and didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about them. No one at church ever asked me if I was having any struggles leaving the homosexual lifestyle, I guess everyone just assumed that I was delivered from the SSA when I became a Christian.
Sin is sin, but I have always felt there was a special stigma placed on homosexual sin. I didn’t feel the stigma applied to my relationship with God, but to my relationship with some of my brothers and sisters in Christ.
One evening some friends and I attended a mega church in a nearby city, which held weekly recovery services. Recovery issues addressed in this church included sexual sin; however it was focused on men dealing with pornography. Sometime during the service, before the congregation broke into the small recovery groups something was said from the platform, which had gay undertones and everyone laughed. And I thought to myself, really? Don’t you realize we’re out here? We’ve given our lives to Christ, we’ve given up the lifestyle, we struggle and need help just like everyone else? I never returned to the church.
I really would have liked to talk to someone who had gone through this same journey so I could ask if what I was experiencing was normal. Unfortunately, I didn’t personally know of any other Christians who had left the homosexual lifestyle.
I struggled with the SSA, I never acted on them, but just experiencing them was very emotionally upsetting. Eventually the SSA would fade and I would be able to be around the woman without feeling the attraction, but I really wanted the attractions to end.
I was frustrated, desperately looking for an answer, when God provided one.
After attending the cowboy church for five years, I left the church and eventually ended up at a nondenominational church.
There were both male and female preachers at my new church. I had befriended one of the female preachers. One evening while I was at her house having dinner, she mentioned something about generational curses. I didn’t recall reading anything about them when I had first read my Bible. I know I had never heard a sermon on them and I had never heard anyone mention anything about them in the past. I asked her to explain what a generational curse was.
She explained to me that throughout the Old Testament there are verses indicating that God places the iniquities of the fathers on the father’s children to the third and fourth generation.
Then the light bulb went on. I had not been born gay; I was under a generational curse of sexual sin. I knew there was sexual sin as far back as my grandparent’s generation on both sides of my family.
A righteous God would not have created me homosexual and He had not.
I now saw that my entire life Satan had been lying to me, telling me I had been born gay and consistent with his character, Satan is a liar.
When I realized I had not been born gay I knew there was hope. Although I believed the generational curse was real, I also knew that Jesus was bruised for my iniquities and he was sacrificed on the cross for my sins and curses.
So I started really spending time studying the Bible and following God’s direction on how to deal with my SSA. I’ve finally reached the point where Satan is no longer able to influence my emotions through SSA. I see them for what they really are, just another attempt from Satan to keep me from God’s awesome plan for my life.
So that brings me to where I presently am. I love God with all my heart and soul. I attend church, Bible studies and play the guitar on the worship team.
God continues to show me His love and mercies.
I’m not going to say this journey has been easy for me. But what I can tell you is that I would not want to spend another day without God in my life. He has blessed me in so many different ways and I look forward to spending eternity with Him.
My prayer is now that you have read my story, you’ll realize it’s possible to leave your homosexual lifestyle, and you’re now ready to make that journey to the awesome life God has planned for you.