My biggest struggle was being alone. I could not stand the thought of not having someone to hold & to love me. I had gone through women without much "if any" time inbetween relationships. I would sit at home & feel lonely. I didn't really know that I wasn't alone. You can be in a room full of people & feel alone...its a horrible feeling. After I got saved, I still felt alone but it was much easier to talk to God & asked Him for the strength I needed not to run out & find my next victim.
My other struggles involved dating men. I didn't trust them nor did I understand them. I didn't even know how to date or even what to do...It was so foreign to me I was kind of a nervous wreck going out on a date. I struggled with my identity & who I was. I was a somewhat feminine woman that didn't know how to act. I guess you could say that I was "the man" in my relationships (the dominant one) & I didn't know how to let a man dominate where I was comfortable. It wasn't easy, I had to do alot of praying & asking God to help me be the woman He intended me to be.
I had a terrible time trusting the Lord. My background did not allow me to trust anyone. It was easier for me to put up walls & not have any hope or let anyone to close. This way, nobody could let me down so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of rejection or emotions that go with that. In my mind, I was protected & nobody could hurt me. I controlled because if I was in control, I couldn't be led to more dissapointment. Little did I know I was hurting myself.
THE MEANING OF BONDAGE: The state of one who is bound as a slave. A state of subjection to a force, power or influence.
The only way out of this bondage (any kind of bondage) is a personal relationship with Jesus. What is a personal relationship....have you ever been in love? I mean really in love! You would think about that person all the time...you call them & want to spend as much time with them as you possibly can right? This is the kind of relationship God wants to have with us. If you really loved someone, you wouldn't not talk to them or spend some time with them. How long do you think the relationship would last if you did that?
Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.
(Robin's) Struggles coming out of a homosexual lifestyle
Fear was my biggest struggle! Growing up I had a big fear of what people thought and I wanted approval. When I finally got approval from my gay friends, I felt more secure, so I thought! But, then one of my relationships I was lied to and cheated on, I began to think that was the best I was going to do.
Another struggle was self - esteem. I needed so bad for someone to accept me just the way I was. I never really found that acceptance until I found Jesus. Man will always fail you, but God doesn't! I am understanding that his Love is more than just words, that I don't have to give myself sexually and emotionally to be approved.
Every one gets hurt and rejected through out there lives, I sure did not fall short of that! It was hard to imagine that I was ok just the way I was, because the God of the universe created me for a specific purpose and because he created me just the way I am. That means He knew what He was doing and he loved me so.... much that he paid the price, so I could be free!
There was a time after I receive Jesus as Lord and Savior over my life, I started to think about how I was wearing a mask for different people, because I didn't know how to be me, because I really didn't know who me really was. Identity crisis!
I had many walls! I started to reason out how I was going break those walls down. I covered up a lot, so I wouldn't get hurt or rejected. After people knew about my past life style, I kept having the fear of what people thought about me. I remember even when growing up, I was so afraid that people would identify me as weird or that there was something terribly wrong with me.
I worried about what people thought about me. Maybe they were afraid to hug me or get close, I started to focus on how I was going to break those walls, instead of Jesus helping me work through these things. Then sexual desires fell into place, because I wanted to feel good about myself, not realizing that my self worth should not depend on some one else. I tryed to overcome sin on my own, instead of turning to Jesus and asking him for help.
I was very defensive, because I wanted to protect myself and feel good about myself.
I asked God one day to expose my sin and he did. I fell into sexual sin and then battled with the thought of God not Loving me, that I blew it so bad that He turned away from me. Every time I read the the Bible I would read " you are evil, the wrath of God will come down on you, because of your sin.
It was a daily struggle, but I kept asking Jesus to change me, I had to literally imagine hanging onto the cross and asking Jesus to forgive and to help me, that I could not change this situation on my own. In a nut shell " I confess what I knew was sin and kept turning to Jesus for help and change and he did.
psalms 78:23 Yet He commanded the clouds above and opened the doors of heaven;
DO YOU KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHERE YOU ARE SPENDING ETERNITY?
GOD BROUGHT YOU TO THIS SITE BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
John 8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.